


Paranoia

by SSSRHA



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, One Shot, Parody, Ridiculous, Short One Shot, Stupidity, Uchiha Sasuke-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 06:16:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17095391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SSSRHA/pseuds/SSSRHA
Summary: In which Mikoto Uchiha was a very paranoid woman and Sasuke picked up on her habits.[One-shot, crack-fic, absolute parody]





	Paranoia

**Itachi Uchiha** calmly faced his younger brother. At his feet lay the corpses of their parents, who he had murdered just seconds earlier. "So you have finally arrived," Itachi said.

Sasuke's eyes were looking on in horror. "M-Mother's dead?"

Itachi couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. "You're not sad about Father."

Sasuke's expression soured. "He's been acting distant lately...he was obviously involved in some sort of nefarious plot."

"...nefarious plot?"

"Yes! I have yet to figure it out, but it was probably something horrible like taking over the Village. Mother always said that Father was an odd man...with odd secrets."

"Mother said that about  _Father_?" Itachi couldn't help but let incredulousness sneak into his voice. He decided that it was best not to comment on that first part of the sentence...

"Yeah. Father was obviously trying to take over the Village, you're obviously a double-agent, and the Village is obviously trying to cover the whole thing up!"

"...If you already knew all that, why were you so surprised that I killed our parents?"

"I was surprised that you killed  _Mother_ ," Sasuke corrected. "I honestly thought you would leave her alone."

"Well, you thought wrong."

"I see that."

A long silence fell over them.

"...so," Sasuke said, "what now?"

"Well, this was  _supposed_  to be when I traumatized you and made you swear revenge against me, but I have a feeling that that won't happen now..."

"Yeah."

"Okay, so I'll be going now. ANBU's probably going to be on my tail. You...just pretend that you're obsessed with getting revenge against me or something. Bring honor back to our clan and stuff."

"And stuff," Sasuke agreed. "Don't worry Big Brother, I'll bring honor back to our clan by finally proving that the whole Elemental Nations is being controlled by black goo that's the son of an almighty alien from the moon!"

"...Sasuke?"

"Yes?"

"New plan: get therapy."

"No way. Now, run along before the ANBU get here. I'm going to pretend that you knocked me out with your Tsukuyomi."

"How do you know that?"

"A 'dead' man in a lollipop mask told me."

"...You've met Madara?"

"I'm pretty sure that he's actually a supposedly dead Uchiha and a former teammate of a sort-of-legend who is now in ANBU and traumatized for life. Oh, and he only has one Sharingan."

"How do you come up with these conspiracy theories?"

"They're not conspiracy theories!" Sasuke yelled, offended. "They're the truth! I've learned them through visions of a girl telling me them! I asked Mother about it, and she said that it was obviously our author since we're all characters in a knock-off of a hit manga and anime!"

"...Yeah, I'll be going now. Goodbye, Little Brother, and don't forget to get therapy!" With that, Itachi vanished in a swirl of leaves.

Sasuke scowled. "I don't need therapy! What I need to do is stop the old guy who went insane and died in a cave with only a tree to keep him alive because he wants to mind-control everyone in the world by giving the moon pink-eye!" He  _definitely_  didn't need therapy. 

* * *

_Years later:_

**Team 7** stood in shock, before yelling out in joy.

"We defeated a goddess!" Naruto yelled in triumph. Sakura looked like she was about to cry tears of joy. Kakashi was  _actually_  crying. Sasuke stared down at his hand, then back up at his team, his face blank.

Kakashi paused. "W-What is it, S-Sasuke?" he hiccupped.

Sasuke was silent before- "I WAS ******* RIGHT ALL ALONG! HA! TAKE  _THAT_ , BIG BROTHER! TAKE  _THAT_ , WEIRD THERAPIST GUY! TAKE  _THAT_ , EVERYONE WHO EVER DOUBTED ME! I WAS  _RIGHT!_ MOTHER WAS  _RIGHT!"_

After his rant was over, Naruto cleared his throat awkwardly. "Right... _so_ , let's do the double-seal and release everyone from the genjutsu."

Sasuke, off of his victory high, nodded. "Yeah." He frowned. "Huh. That was it. All of my theories. There's nothing left. I feel so empty." Suddenly, he had an idea. "I've got it! Naruto, I challenge you for the post of Hokage!"

Sakura leaned toward Sasuke and said, "You do realize that he'll beat you into the ground during the campaign, right?"

Sasuke shrugged. "I know. It'll give me something to do until I find a new purpose in life, though." Sakura nodded while Kakashi calmed down a furious Naruto.

"Actually..." Sakura said suddenly.

"What?"

"I've always wondered what I'd look like in a wedding dress."

"...Nevermind, Naruto. I don't think I'm cut out to be Hokage."

"That's what I thou-HEY! WHY ARE YOU AND SAKURA MAKING OUT?! WE KINDA NEED TO SAVE THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!"

Kakashi sighed. "Ah, young love."

_**~The End~** _


End file.
